Fuck your stupid cigarettes.

Fuck your stupid cigarettes.

I wish it were raining

I feel sick

I’m proud of you right now.

And happy.

I’m actually happy for the first time since everything last month.This is the first time I’ve been able to really be okay for a few minutes. We have a long way to go, but I’m proud of you and I’m here with you and we will get there.

Here is my take on same sex marriage in the US.

Marriage was originally a church recognized union, somewhere down the line it got left out of the whole “separation of church and state” concept. Because of this, the view of marriage being a recognition of unity by God became linked with certain legal rights. 

If the church cared so much about the sanctity of what marriage meant, then they should have defended it’s separation from the law at the time. They didn’t, and so, the definition of marriage has changed, and should be a legal right allowed to all people, not just the ones that the church half of the link between church and state want to acknowledge.

If the church wants the definition of marriage to go back to what it is, then all standing marriage licenses need to be revoked on a legal level (not a church recognized level) and those couples need to apply for a version of a civil union which is accepted on a federal and state
level, and entails the same rights for all couples who legally intend to be viewed as couples.

Anyone who wants to be recognized by “God” as married should go through the church and any one who wants to be legally recognized as a couple by the government should have an option that is EQUAL FOR ALL PEOPLE REGARDLESS OF RACE, OR GENDER. Which means, you can be married by the church but unless you apply for a civil union, you don’t get any legal rights.

I wish I could forget
I’m tired of hurting like this

I want your kiss to feel the way it had always felt on my lips again

I want your arms around me to be the same comfort they used to be

I want us back

Because I love you

And I want to be in love with you like that again

“no one else has made it through the point where the dam breaks and my true colors show. I’m still that scared child cowering in a corner. None of this makes any sense at all I’m sure. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. That just beneath the surface there is a monster waiting to come out. All the years of hate and hurt are just right there waiting.

I’m not sure for what.”

Are these your true colors? Is this the manifestation of that scared child? But with a selfish side? Who are you? Is this the monster you’ve been hiding? 

You hurt me so bad. 

For every time you’ve seen me cry the past few days. There are at least 5 times you haven’t seen. How can I go on in a relationship like this? Where every minute of every day I worry. In a relationship where I feel replaceable, and forgotten? Where your touch, which used to comfort me so much, now only brings more pain? Where your kisses just feel like empty promises? I used to feel like I only ever wanted to be with you. Even if we were just sitting around silently. I never once in our whole relationship felt the sting of an awkward or uncomfortable silence. Now, that’s all I feel. 

I’m afraid that in doing everything you need to do to become a better person, you’re going to forget that proving everything to me, doesn’t only mean becoming a better person, but making me feel wanted again. Making me feel important and pretty (which i doubt you can ever fix)  I’m proud of you for telling M and J the truth, and for making steps towards telling your family and for saying that you will tell Dom what you did. But that isn’t enough. That’s not enough to make me trust you again. It’s not enough to make me feel like I’m worth something again. 

And I’m scared that you are going to stop trying.

It’s hard for me to tell you I love you now. I do love you. But the words don’t want to come out of my mouth. They get stuck in my throat, knotted up in a ball of fear that is festering there. When I’ve given you an inch you’ve taken far more than a mile. And I feel so completely betrayed. If I tell you I love you. I’m afraid you won’t take me seriously. I don’t know how long I can do this for. I feel like I need to set a time limit for you, so that maybe you’ll try your hardest to prove everything to me, to fix everything. Instead of doing a little at a time and trying to scrape by with the minimum effort. 

But I’m terrified that if I do. You won’t have taken me seriously enough to really have tried and then time will run out and I will have to go. 

You said once, and wrote once that I was everything to you. That I was all you wanted. I don’t understand what changed your mind to make you act how you did. What did I do that I wasn’t all you wanted anymore? That I wasn’t everything to you? That I wasn’t even important enough to think about my feelings? 

I feel so hollow and so alone. I feel ugly and replaceable and unwanted. I feel disrespected and spit on. I feel cheated and hurt and scared.

I feel like I’m living with a stranger

I wish I didn’t know you broke your promise. I feel sick.

It’s bullshit that if I get upset with you for something I’m automatically taking you for granted. Because you know, you’re so perfect that you neverrr do anything someone would have a legitimate reason to be upset about. Like when I tell you we are broke and then you penny pinch another pack of ciggs the day after you just bought a different pack, and I’ve just lost my job so I’m even more stressed about money and I can barely walk because I just got out of the hospital so I’m probably not in a good mood anyway. But yeahhhh I’m taking you for granted.
Oh and I suppose I never doooo anything to help when you feel sick or do you favors when you ask like earlier when my stomach was killing me again and I waited in line for 20 plus minutes at KFC to get your meal bowl.
Weird all I wanted this morning was to touch you. And I did and then I tried to get you turned on during lunch so that you would come home and want to do stuff with me. But you would rather lick my fucking face and shit and watch jeopardy. Which, fine but then at 1:30 when you try to do stuff and I’m actively falling asleep on your lap, then it’s alllll t fault because I’m once again exhausted because I’ve been up for wayyy more than 12 hrs at that point.
What happened to staying up a couple hours later to spend time with you? Guess what?! I get tired around ten usually but how often do I end up trying to stay up until you feel like going to bed and falling asleep at like 1-3am?
So I don’t sacrifice anything to spend time for you ey?

Well guess what? You don’t have to worry about being “taken for granted” anymore. No problem!